Testimony | Lucile’s son, 38, erased his mother from his life: “she didn’t even write to me for my birthday”

Unlike my brother and sister, I was raised by both parents. My dad was Italian and he really liked good manners. They educated me very rigorously: from homework to classical dance or the guitar, everything was very structured.

My parents divorced when I was 11 years old. My brother and sister were still very young and from then on they developed a very close relationship with my mother.

I have always looked a lot like my father. Physically, but also from a character point of view. Excluded from the clan that made up my mother, my brother and my sister, she told herself that she had been adopted. When I followed their path, they loved me, but when I didn’t, they spent their time putting me down and giving me a negative image of myself.

Adolescence was difficult and, without going into details, I ended up asking to be placed in a foster home. I left home and it was a real liberation.

“It is in this idea of ​​freedom that I wanted to educate my son”

At 19 I got pregnant. My son’s father left us 10 days after the birth and I raised my son alone. I was young, but already independent: I worked and my son never lacked for anything.

Since my mother was a nanny, I entrusted her with the care of my son when I had to go back to work. But she wanted to do things right: care was governed by contract and she paid my mother for the hours she took care of my son.

I’ve always seen myself as a mother hen. But probably not in the sense that my mother understood it. If my mother had a classic, very strict vision of education, I was always freer. From a very young age I understood that it was not necessary to have a super strict lifestyle to have courage. It is this idea of ​​freedom that I wanted to educate my son. But my mother didn’t like that at all.

“For him, my mother also represents an authority figure”

My mother was always involved in everything; She constantly finds fault with the way I raise my son. It’s pretty classic, you could say, but since my mother took care of my son for a long time, she managed to keep him under her wing. To him, she also represents an authority figure and he easily submits to what she may say… And because she always thought I was a bad mother, her relationship with my son was tainted.

My son has constantly had a difficult character; maybe that’s why? Constantly oscillating between my mother’s opinion and my own. Thrown between our two educations that did not grant him the same rights or the same duties.

All I had to do was ask my son to clean his room, unload the dishwasher, or make his bed so he could complain to my mother. Behind me, my mother called me to say: “Why are you asking him to do that? She is too young and he has no reason to do it.” And it was like that for everything.

“When I was a teenager he understood that he could have physical influence on me”

It’s an exhausting dynamic. I had to deal with my relationship with my son, his education, and the perpetual reproaches of my family behind me. It exhausted me and I often felt helpless.

I feel like my authority is constantly being questioned. My son knows very well that if he calls my mother to complain about me, she will blame me for my attitude. He thinks I’m going to give up, but that’s not knowing me well. This creates frustration and everything intensifies.

As the years went by, my son lost more and more control. When he was a teenager, he realized that he could have physical influence on me, collude with my mother, and our relationship suffered another blow.

“I collapsed and threw my son out.”

A few months ago, due to his attendance at high school, my son began to lie systematically, becoming vulgar, wanting to spend the night outside. As much as he values ​​freedom, I don’t want my son to ruin his future and do anything. So I tried to tighten the screw.

But a few weeks ago, shortly before my 18th birthday, we had a violent argument and he broke a wall in the house. That was the last straw. After this argument, I broke down and kicked my son out. In my head, he was going to find shelter with my mother for the weekend and things were going to go back to normal… But that’s not what happened at all!

“In two weeks I was erased from my son’s life.”

An hour after our argument, my brother and sister came to pick up my son. I expected support, all I received was hate and anger. They did everything possible so that I could no longer have contact with my son: they changed his phone number, they made him change banks, they found him an apartment… In two weeks, I was erased from my son’s life, without being able to do something about it.

A few months ago my son’s high school called me to tell me that he would no longer come to class. This is how we discovered that my son was lying to my mother, telling her that he was leaving, while he stayed at home doing nothing. He is in training and his boss, by a miracle, did not count the days of his absence… Therefore, my son received 1,400 euros a month to stay at home; the good life !

When I found out, I called my mother. Fortunately, she took action, but since then my son refuses to talk to me. He blocked me everywhere and I can’t contact him anymore. My only way to find out about him is to contact my mother… And face all the reproaches from him!

“The more I try to make contact, the worse it gets.”

With my mother I feel like a perpetual failure. Whatever I do, I am always to blame and responsible. I think somewhere this allows him to maintain a form of authority over me. As long as my mother is not in control, she is not good for him. The psychologist tells me that my mother is toxic! And since she can’t completely control me, she does it with my son and she reproduces the same pattern.

I don’t know what will happen to my son or how everything will go back to normal. At the moment, the more I try to get in touch, the worse it gets… I stopped calling him, but I’m still there financially, to think of him in important moments. My therapist tells me they always come back eventually. But I no longer want to suffer with rejections and reproaches in my face.

“My son didn’t even write to me for my birthday.”

I take a step back from the situation and experience my losses one after another: I no longer talk to my brother, my sister, we no longer spend Christmas together… My son didn’t even write to me for my birthday. He hit me in the heart.

I’m afraid for him, I’m afraid that he will give up his professional future, but I can’t do anything. Sometimes I tell myself that maybe he wants to get back with me, but we are messing with his brain. If I talk to mom, they’ll blame me. So he avoids it, because I know people say to him, “Are you talking to your mother about what he did to you? »

It’s horrible to say, but I think things will only get better when my mother is no longer here. I’m sorry she can’t encourage my son to heal our relationship. But I also understand my son: it’s hard to fix things at his age and when manipulation is so ingrained. But the day he comes back to me, I will be there.

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